Why did I pick up writing to help me become a better photographer?

Because buying another lens was starting to feel like avoidance.

There are two absolutely awful feelings in life. (I'm glad there are only two and not others). The first is when you see a photo and wish you took it. The second is when you already know what the right thing to do is, but you ignore it, only to have someone you respect tell you to do it, so you do it, and it works.

An example of this is going to the doctor. They tell you to diet and exercise to feel better. You don't want to do it, but after day 3 you honestly feel great, plus start to lose weight. Then you decide you're healthy now, so you stop, go back to feel bad, and have to start all over again.

Circle of life.

Well, one of those pieces of advice I received was from the head of my Long Term Photobook Program. Sara J. Winston said I should start writing once week, by hand, in a notebook. I was to let whatever is in my head about my photography flow out. Just keep writing for 15 minutes straight as see what comes out.

I've dabbled with this before but not specifically for my artistic practice. For the last thirteen years or so, I've been journaling every day (mostly) keeping a log of events in my life. Not really putting my emotions into this journal (except for a few large life events) but more of a log of where I was and what I was up to. It's also great for winning arguments about details regarding events deep in the past.

I've also learned to write down lists of things when I'm dealing with my anxiety. When you're worked up about something, or have a lot on your mind, it's really helpful to just put it down on paper. Your brain can relax after that knowing it doesn't have to carry all that information anymore. SEE HOW RELAXED I AM???

So I have a second "photo" journal?

Well, yes. Honestly it's only a habit that's about two months old but it's been helpful enough that I wanted to make it the topic of my second blog post. (This is a blog right?) When Sara told me to do this, I did the most important thing first. I went out and did a "capitalism", purchasing a fresh new notebook. I mean, why use something I already have?

Also, dot pattern notebooks are the “correct” choice. Don’t let me ever see you with anything but that.

Then I had to sit and actually write. Fortunately for me, I was about to work on the second iteration of my photobook for Chico Review. Grabbing the first version I sat with it for a few minutes, then set the timer on phone and started to write.

The first eighty percent is me ripping the book apart. I hated the cover, the size of the book was too small, some of colors were all wrong on some images, the book was lacking a second layer to really elevate it and it needed more images that my mother took.

But then there was a shift and I took a hard left about feeling deeply restless that I wasn't making any new work, that I need to find something to work in in the winter (and in the NYC area) to get me through the dreary times, and that I have a deep desire to make something (being new work).

All that in 15 minutes.

My next journal entry quickly turned into me writing about my apparently "deep imposter syndrome" after seeing some amazing work, and my worries about my work seeming gimmicky/lacking formality. Basically all my entries go off into tangents like this. Guess the Lexapro only goes so deep.

Now I understand why my therapist started to smoke again…..

So, it's been helpful? Why this Substack?

Yeah it has. Honestly, if you're any kind of artist, you should do this. Let all the thoughts pour out once a week. Then you pick through them, see what's valuable, and flush the rest. Over time you'll see patterns arising and those can be quite illuminating.

As for this Substack, I wanted to have an outlet to write helpful advice. In a small way (get your electron microscope people) put some positive vibes back into the community that's been so generous to me. Also, unlike my 20 year old self (I'll be 42 in 12 days.....shiver) I listen to advice now.

In many ways advice from other people in your situation is a lot like ChatGPT advice. Mostly helpful, but occasionally, deeply, deeply wrong.

See you in the next one.